


Phil Coulson's Big Night Off

by Mercedes_Watson



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Drunk Texting, F/M, Gen, Phil Coulson Has the Patience of a Saint, damn you autocorrect, phil coulson is not dead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-13
Updated: 2012-06-13
Packaged: 2017-11-07 16:30:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/433177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mercedes_Watson/pseuds/Mercedes_Watson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Every once in a great while, SHIELD took a night off. For Phil Coulson, this usually meant a night of loading up on carbohydrates, electrolytes and meditative yoga to prepare him for a week, probably more, in which he was very likely to not sleep. Because Phil Coulson was also given the night off, meaning that he could not respond to whatever disasters or international incidents certain members of the Avengers would cause until 8am the next morning.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Phil Coulson's Big Night Off

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally written as a prompt over on LJ, given to me by the wonderful xenokattz. If you haven't read anything by her, go, now. Because you're seriously missing out. Her prompts were "damn you autocorrect" and "Coulson and/or Darcy interacting with any (or all) of the Avengers". Also, the "Herpes McDrunktard" nickname for Tony belongs to her as well.

Every once in a great while, SHIELD took a night off. Geeks and intelligence analysts spent months pouring over terabytes of information, calculating when would be the most optimal time to let the group known as the Avengers drop their codenames and be “human” for 12 hours.   
  
For Phil Coulson, this usually meant a night of loading up on carbohydrates, electrolytes and meditative yoga to prepare him for a week, probably more, in which he was very likely to not sleep. Because Phil Coulson was also given the night off, meaning that he could not respond to whatever disasters or international incidents certain members of the Avengers (Herpes McDrunktard) would cause until 8am the next morning.   
  
“Do not text me. Do not call me. Do not contact me in anyway. Not unless you have murdered a foreign head of state live on national television, in which case, you can be assured that I will be in physical contact with you very shortly.”  
  
It fell on deaf ears. Thor and Jane were already making eyes at each other, Tony was especially interested in the supposedly super-healthy, no-don’t-try-it-I-promise-you-won’t-like-it, it-only- _smells_ -like-whiskey contents of his water bottle, Clint was twirling an arrow absent-mindedly with a carefully blank expression on his face, Natasha was looking anywhere but said hand, Darcy was also looking anywhere but said hand, but was more convincing since she currently looked as if she was about to be sucked into her phone. Steve and Bruce were the only ones he wasn’t quite so worried about. Steve had various sightseeing brochures about Times Square tucked into his jacket pocket and Bruce was already doodling complex equations onto a legal pad.   
  
He exchanged a Look with Director Fury and Agent Hill. He barely managed to suppress the sigh that would have clearly indicated that he thought this was a mistake.   
  
“8am tomorrow morning,” Fury reminded them. “Do  _not_  be late.” With a curt nod, they were all dismissed.   
  


.x.x.x.x.x.

 

He was staying at the Ritz-Carlton hotel in  _the_  Ritz-Carlton suite. 2,100 square feet of pure luxury and stunning views of the Statue of Liberty and New York harbor. Once he had stowed his things away, he ordered dinner from the room service menu and settled in for a marathon of Supernanny. His tagliatelle with veal Bolognese sauce and baked ricotta cheese was delicious and loaded with the carbs and protein he was going to be in dire need of starting tomorrow morning. He called his ex-wife around 9 to check in with their son and spent about 45 minutes having Richie tell him which spots on the Statue of Liberty to check for pirate terrorists with the telescope that the room provided. After that he took full advantage of the Jaccuzzi bathtub in the master bathroom. Then it was yoga and meditation and then off to bed at 11:15pm. He already had a new text message. With a sigh, he pointedly shut off his phone without checking it and went to sleep. 

.x.x.x.x.x.

 

At 6:30 the next morning the alarm next to Agent Coulson’s bed went off. He showered, shaved and dressed. At 7am he turned on his phone and checked his messages. 

ROGERS (23:00): I found this game called bear porn. I think we should use it as part of Tony’s reward system. 

ROGERS (02:37): THIS IS A MASS TEXT. DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE I AM?

STARK (03:12): If your bringing coffee tomorrow, bring French venerealdisease.

STARK (03:12): Vanilla. French Vanilla. 

STARK (03:14): Already had the French venereal disease, would not try again. 

STARK (03:14): Ducking auto cock rectal.

STARK (03:14): Sweet to god, Steve Jogs is laughing at oz from bruges the greece.

STARK (03:16): And that is a PRIME example of why SHIELD should be using StarkTech phones. 

FOSTER (04:07): If I were to say I used my Simon in a whiles to get my hands on the Sydney code, would you be mad at me? 

FOSTER (04:07): STUXNET

FOSTER (04:08): Salmon in a while

FOSTER (04:08): Salmon in a while

FOSTER (04:08): Fatman in the Wyles

FOSTER (04:08): Fatman in the whiles

FOSTER (04:08): Sam and noon Wyels

FOSTER (04:08): FEMININE WILDS.

FOSTER (04:09): You know what I’m trying to sleigh, right?

FOSTER (04:09): Damn autoerotica.

STARK (04:13):  Multimedia attachment.

STARK (04:14): Coulson where are you? You HAVE to see this. Pepper’s riding a police horse signing Moobs like Jagger.

ROMANOVA (04:15): Sex on bubble wrap, best decision ever.

ROMANOVA (04:15): Apologies. Your name is right next to Agent Hill’s in my phonebook.

ROMANOVA (04:43): Taking Barton to ER. Nothing serious. 

ROMANOVA (04:57): BTW, found Rogers. 

BANNER (05:00): Sorry about the mess in the break room freezer. I put my cock in the freezer and it exploded. 

BANNER (05:00): *my cock went everywhere.

BANNER (05:00): COKE. MY COKE WENT EVERYWHERE. COKE. 

BANNER (05:00): I hate my life. 

FOSTER (05:46): Thor wants me to tell you that it was not him and Tony who stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of your hotel door.

FOSTER (05:46): Apparently “Thor does not text”. 

STARK: (05:51): WHATEVER JANE SAYS, IT’S A LIE. 

LEWIS (06:47): Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong.

Coulson sighed and closed his eyes. And this was only what they had managed to drunk-text him. 

It was going to be a  _very_  long week.


End file.
